Dreams on Hold ( cont’ series 3 of 5)

Off to Greensboro, NC……..time to sell our home in Staunton & leave our family and jobs. I can remember the day Duane and I decided to drive to Greensboro to look around for a place to live. I was skeptical and had just re-planted my roots in Staunton. I was sad, but knew this was something we had to do career wise.  It was a beautiful sunny spring day and he drove in the back way to Greensboro. The first thing I saw was beautiful blooming trees and well manicured landscapes….He knows me and we both know first impressions matter.  I love flowers, trees and a good sunny day! First thought, Oh how pretty! Whew… Duane showed a sigh of relief (when momma ain’t happy no one is happy :-)).  Things were moving quick, we decided to move into an apartment until we could learn more about the area and where we wanted to plant new roots.

During the next 6 months, Duane’s job at Advanced Home Care in Greensboro in the finance department was going well, we loved Greensboro and on weekends, we continued to look for housing and a job for me. At this point, I was skeptical and not confident enough to open or buy a store in Greensboro. I looked and inquired but until I was comfortable with the area, I was going to wait. It did not feel right.  I always said it takes me a good 5 years to be totally comfortable in a new area. So instead of growing a business, we were happy growing our life together, growing Duane’s career and growing our family and friendships.

Greensboro was full of new, first time home owner neighborhoods and we found the exact place we wanted to live. We both preferred new housing so we decided to build. Building a first home was exciting, we chose our plan, the colors and the details within the home.  It was as close to a custom house as we were going to get at our age.  Once we moved in, I scoured the newspaper for jobs that seemed like a good fit. I answered an ad for an assistant in the Tennis Pro shop at Greensboro Country Club, one of the most prestigious clubs in Greensboro. Hours were 8 am – 3 pm and Monday-Friday. Coming out of retail, this job was perfect. A first for me…….weekends off!

Our home was beautiful, our jobs were great, we met the greatest people in our new neighborhood……all of us were adults in the same stage of Life. DINKs as they referred to us (Double income, no kids). Great friendships (David and Jeanna, Amy and Steve, Kathy and Brian, Norm and Judy, Shannon and Bruce, Lisa and Brian, Renita and Adam & Tarina) Wonderful Church family, weekend cookouts, birthday & holiday parties, & summer block parties were the norm for us! Life was grand!  My dream of owning a store remained embedded in my heart, but I was at peace and content without one right now. I was getting more experience with my new position. Ends up my boss, Tom C. was the director of the tennis program and he was assigned to build the new tennis pro-shop. Perfect…..With my experience, he was kind enough to include me and I was able to offer suggestions and advice from my years in retail and my desire to own a store one day. We literally went from the “Tennis Shack” to a beautiful 1000 square foot bright retail boutique. It was my first time assisting anyone in the planning of a store from ground up and going through the all the stages. So fun, my heart was really happy.  I was exactly where I needed to be and learned so much working with Tom and his the pro staff.

Everyone in the neighborhood had been married a couple of years, built our new homes, and had great jobs. The next logical step for all of us was….children…….I mean, most of us were already “fur mama’s and daddy’s” so that qualifies for being ready….. right?  It was time to build our families. Our next door neighbors, Kathy and Brain were the first……they already had a son and she was expecting her second child, a baby girl.  Next Jeanna with Corbin, Shannon, Lisa, Amy with Jared and so on and so on……..Baby showers were the new norm!  Unfortunately, things did not move as fast for us…….Month after month my hopes were shattered. As a young person dreaming of marriage and starting a family, this was not in MY plan. ( HARD Lesson #1, it’s HIS plan not mine)

My job was God-sent, I got off work at 3:00 pm, perfect for the numerous doctors appointments that would follow during the next 7 years. Infertility specialist after infertility specialist. I was diagnosed with severe Endometriosis at the age of 27 which explains the painful monthly cycles that worsened with each year, So painful that narcotic pain meds were needed each and every month when we were not trying to conceive.  As expected, they were stopped for 7 years while I was trying to conceive, pain at a level 10+ each month, just to end in the disappointment.  Books beside my beside went from: Opening your own business and small business ownership, to reading books like Hope for couples with Infertility. Our new vocabulary in our home; Cycles, Fibroids, Ovulation, High risk, Eggs, Hysterosonogram, Hysterosalpingogram, Clomid, IUIs and IVF. The dream of a store was the farthest thing from my mind, I just wanted to be a mom.

We all have dreams…..and sometimes things happen in life that postpone any progress with these dreams……How you handle it is what is important. Now looking back, I am not sure I handled it very well……Life moved on and I just went about the day to day hoping and praying.  As a christian, I was taught to be patient, have faith and trust God’s timing. I truly was trying as hard as I could but I will admit it was very difficult at times to hold onto the hope. I was now 34 years old and was not able to give my husband a child. I beat myself up & I cried ALOT.  Mothers day was the hardest for me…….While everyone was celebrating moms, I was doing everything in my power to be a mom. I remember in church one Sunday, they gave a rose to all the moms and I wanted one so badly…….I could not hold back the tears anymore, I did not understand why I was being held back from getting that rose and I questioned God many times 😦 .  To this day, I am very sensitive to the needs of women going through infertility on Mother’s Day. God knew why he was closing a door that I kept trying to force open. I had to learn to Let go and Let God, One of the hardest lessons ever!

Despite this new reality, I LOVED Greensboro and I was happy……..Duane and I were just not meant to be parents…….right now.

My advice to my younger self.

Even when your dreams are on hold, they still reside in your heart and will be rekindled at the right time.
Embrace life’s unexpected detours , When you feel like you are down to nothing …..God is up to something.
Trust in HIS timing
Pray without ceasing
Show grace to the insensitive comments from others regarding “how to get pregnant” and questions about “when are you going to have children”.
Proverbs 3:5,6

Until Next time friends,  Keep living your dreams!